New Stock Market Glossary of Financial Terms And Definitions

If you have been investing in stock market, you probably are already painfully familiar with the new financial terms and definitions, but if you are just thinking about investing in stock market for the first time, it is critical that you familiarize yourself with the new financial terms that have changed their original meaning in light of recent stock market downturn. These definitions have been floating about and I have compiled what looks like a pretty complete stock market glossary.

AUDITOR – Person who arrives after a battle to finish off the wounded

BROKER -- What my broker has made me

CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower
Momentum Investing – The art of buying high and selling low

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing

EBIT – Earnings before irregularities and tampering

EBITDA – Earnings before I tricked the dumb auditor

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who is now locked up in a mental institution

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use